And Life Goes On

Damond Farar!,
       
         Do you remember that is what I would say when you were in trouble? :)
No Dearest Damond, today! Nope.
 I don't really appreciate the new vocabulary you have brought into my day to day speech:

     deceased

widow

autopsy

casket

grave

cemetery

and the new one for the day:

headstone. 

(actually, they call it a monument... same thing)

I know you are not to blame, no one is, but just know that YOU OWE ME BIG!!! 

I keep thinking about how I should be picking out a frame for your diploma and not a "monument".

I have wondered how many times Heavenly Father has received prayers asking Him to turn back time... 

or I start to think maybe we are in It's a Wonderful Life and we are trying to help someone get their wings.

but then those words come back 

and punch me in the stomach to let me know there is no turning back time 

and this is not a movie

or nightmare/dream.

My mind and heart are in such a daze that sometimes life feels like it's moving at a different speed. So, when something in life pulls me into the current speed, I want to freeze time. But I realize that doesn't do me any good. I don't want to freeze time without you in it. 

ex. Today, while checking your email,

 I saw that your scores for Step 2 Clinical Skills had been posted.

You would have been so excited to see that you 

PASSED.

I wasn't surprised. :)

ex #2 of being brought to current speed

Alex lost his FIRST TOOTH today. 

I didn't even realize it was loose. 

My initial reaction was, "what? how did this happen? He's too little, right? 

monumental events are not supposed to happen anymore, right?

But since I can't turn back time and I don't want to freeze time, life has to go on.

 Without you. :( 

Love you forever,

Adriana

PS. Alex's version of losing his tooth:

 "I was walking to the car. I was eating my candy when I bite something hard. I spitted it out. When I picked it up, I saw it was my tooth. When Dad comes back alive, can we show him the picture?" -- tears!

Dreams Left Behind

Dearest Damond,
       How is that one month has already passed? How is it that the minutes are passing by so slowly, but the days keep coming. I still wake up every morning hoping that this has been the longest nightmare of my life. But as I look at my watch, I realize the hour is closer to yet another day without you. WHY do we have to have days without you?
         For a month I have been walking around in a haze of memories. Each place I turn, I can see the memory of you and what we were doing at that place. A word, song, friend will also produce these memories. Some of these memories come so bright and real, I feel like they were yesterday. Yet, I feel like other memories are slipping away and that scares me. There are some memories that have so much emotion attached to them they physically hurt. WHY does it have to hurt so much?
          Your dad said he was not sad for you as he knows you are in a better place, but that there is a hole in his heart. I started to think about that and I didn't agree. MY heart feels like it has been shattered into a million pieces. I am trying to mend my heart, but I realized I only have half the pieces. I need my best friend right now and I don't have him. WHY do I have to go on without you? HOW do I go on without you?
            I was thinking about our journey through medical school and how we didn't live off very much. What we did live off of were dreams. The dreams of tomorrow. We dreamt of getting into med school and we did. Once in med school, we dreamt of passing first semester. There were so many times when our dream was just to get through exam week. We dreamt of passing boards and you did! Twice! Upon making it to fourth year, we began to dream of what lay ahead. With our journey half way done, we began to dream of where we wanted our family to be 5, 10, 15 years from now. WHY do I have to let our dreams go?
            I feel like my hands and dreams are so empty now. But then I realized, you left me with our three most important dreams. THOMAS, ALEX, and JACOB! Do you remember when you were trying to pick a specialty and you asked a surgeon about family life in surgery? He answered, " oh, yeah. You can have a family, but they are just a picture on your wall." That made you so sad, but it helped you determine that you were going to be a great father, first and a great doctor, second. And you definitely were! so, WHY are you a picture on OUR wall?
            Do you remember how you were teasing me about wanting to be some where other than Yuma and I told you, "I am happy wherever you are." It's true! I would live in a tent on the street for the rest of my life if I could have you back. I am finding it so hard to be happy, because I know we are not in the same place. WHY? WHY? WHY?
            As you see, I am plagued by the WHY's. WHY can't I give you one more hug? WHY couldn't I say good-bye? WHY can't I call you to hear your voice? WHY can't I look into your beautiful  eyes as you give me a smile that makes my stomach tingle? WHY do the boys have to grow up without your physical presence?

          But as you see, the WHY's and what if's don't get me anywhere. Instead, I pray to find joy, peace and comfort at  this time.
Know that I LOVE YOU! I miss you with every cell of my body! I look forward, quite impatiently, to the day we are reunited! As you fulfill your mission on the other side, I will work diligently to take care of the three beautiful dreams you left behind. 
I Will Always LOVE you,
Adriana

December 27, 2012

Dear Thomas, Alex, and Jacob,

On December 28, 2012 I had to tell you something no mother should have to tell her three sons. I really had no idea what to say or do. I am sorry for that.

I know that in time you will have many questions. I am still trying to find answers, some answers we may never know in this life. I have tried hard to capture as much as I can of that day for when the questions begin.
But for now... I want YOU to focus on:
                                                       DECEMBER 27, 2012

(and really every day before that)

Because in the end, that day will tell you so much more about your dad.

December 27th was a beautiful, Arizona winter day. Your dad had the option of going golfing with his dad, brothers and nephews. But he had made you guys a promise that he would take you to the Castle Park. And your dad NEVER broke a promise, especially to you.  So, he convinced me and your Aunt Suzy to help him take all the little kids to the park. At the park, he did what he always did with you guys. He played with you! He chased you guys. Played hide and seek. Pushed you around and around the tire swing. He ran to the car, twice, for water and pretzels.

Remember: Going to the park with Dad meant a lot of fun, laughter, and smiles. 

When Dad was tired of chasing you, he convinced all the kids that Uncle Dean would buy them a slurpee :) !
We raced Uncle Dean home, but we didn't win. Your dad LOVED his brothers so much! Your dad and uncles loved to make anything into a competition :)
After the park, I had to get ready for my date with your dad, so I am not too sure about what happened during this part of the day. But, if I had to guess... I think your dad was probably reading his Cardiology book. Your dad loved to play with his boys, but he also believed in hard work and being prepared. I tried so hard to convince your dad that our vacation month was just meant to be enjoyed, but it was not in his nature.       For the most part, if your dad had five minutes of free time, he made sure they were productive five minutes. He bought the Cardiology book, because he wanted to be prepared for the first day of his Cardiology rotation. Someone the night before had asked him if he was studying for a test and he said, "no, I just want to  make sure I know what I am doing."

Remember: How much he valued Hard Work!

Due to how hard he worked to accomplish his goal of becoming a doctor, your dad and I didn't get to go on many dates. But he knew how much I had been looking forward to seeing the new Les Mis movie, so he set up a date with Uncle Dennis and Aunt Suzy. I was so excited to finally share this music and story with your dad. I will always treasure the memory of that last date and how he held my hand. Unfortunately, not all of the parts of the movie were " virtuous and praiseworthy" which really bothered us, but he left the movie saying, "hmm. your were right. That was a good story."

Remember: Your dad took me on dates like watching musicals or going dancing, not because that is what he wanted to do, but because he loved me and wanted to make me happy.

We raced home, because we were always so anxious to be back where our boys were.

Thomas, after dinner, your dad was studying his book and keeping me company while I finished tying a quilt  when you asked him to play with you. He chose to play a game with you. The two of you played Uncles Deans' Airplane game with Uncle Dean, Grandpa Farar, Uncle Darren and Danny. You and your dad were on the same team. I don't know if you guys won, but I am grateful that he was able to spend time with just you.

Remember: Your dad, Damond Thomas, LOVES his Thomas VERY MUCH!!!!!!

Alex, when Dad was done playing the game with Thomas, you were tired. You asked him if he would come lay by you. Several times this year, I went to bed before your dad. I would wake up during the middle of the night and not feel your dad on his side. I would think he must have fallen asleep studying only to find him in your bed. The next morning I would ask him why he slept with you boys and he would answer, "I just wanted to be close to my boys." So, it wasn't a surprise when I walked by a little while later to find you and him, asleep, in the midst of the crazy, packed living room floor. I am grateful that he was able to lay by just you.

Remember: Your dad, Damond, LOVES his Alejandro VERY MUCH!!!!!

Jacob, the next thing I remember is that you were not feeling well and had been sick for a couple of days. You kept pointing to your throat. Your dad was worried that it might be Strep. So, he set his alarm for 5:00 AM .  He wanted to have Uncle Dallin take a look at you at the Urgent Care where he works. I know that your dad was tired. But he always put the needs of his boys first. I helped him get your jacket on. He made sure you had your binky and blanky. I am sure that he held you, comforted you, and made you feel safe. His arms were the best for that. I am grateful that he was able to care for you that morning.

Remember: Your dad, Damond, LOVES his Jacob VERY MUCH!!!!!!

I do believe it is a tender mercy from our Father in Heaven that we were able to have one last family outing together and we were each able to spend one on one time with your dad.
So, when the answers or lack of about December 28th are bothering you, I want you to

Remember: December 27th shows you the Dad that loves you. Pray that the memory of that day will comfort you and help you feel your dad's love for you; Thomas, Alejandro, and Jacob.

Love,
Your Mom, who also LOVES you VERY MUCH!!!!!!

A Beautiful Day

Dear Damond,
       I want you to know that I woke up this morning, not believing or in any way wanting to believe that one week had already passed. Each day has felt like the minutes move slower than before. Never in all of our planning did we think this day possible. At least not yet. If you remember, I asked to go first, but not for at least another 50 years. Nevertheless, this day came. I have so much to say to you, but today I want to just focus on today.
       I wanted it to be a dark and dreary day. But it wasn't. It was a beautiful, sunny, crisp winter day. It was a day that would usually remind me of why I love Arizona. The sun was shining bright, the sky was a beautiful blue. It was a gorgeous day to celebrate your life here on earth.
      I felt you were there. Did you see how many people loved you? Love us? Love your family? Love my family? Did you see how many hearts you touched by your words and deeds? I was given so many hugs today by people that were at one time impacted by your example, your smile, your teachings, your humor, your work ethic, your positive attitude, your desire to do good and serve others, your ability to have fun, your love for sports and your love for all mankind.
      When this day was too much for me or the boys, I know we were carried by our Savior. I know that you were watching over us. I know that we were surrounded by a cloud of prayers on our behalf. I was told I am strong, but I don't think anyone is strong enough to face a day like today on their own strength.
Another reason why I am so grateful for our families. We each have such amazing families. They have engulfed me and the boys in love this past week. My family has silently and willingly done all the things I have no strength or desire to do. They continue to shower the boys with love. I cannot express how grateful I am for your family. I think the boys and I feel closest to you when we are with them. Much of who you are is because of your immediate and extended family. It was a a grand reunion. Do you remember the time Grandpa told us he would never get on those flying contraptions? Well, he did. For you.
       I truly believe that friendships are made when souls connect. Today we witnessed that you were a good friend to many people. But today, I experienced the sadness of people that were also good friends to you, me and your family. I tried my best to comfort them. I prayed for them. And I hope that they found peace in the messages and songs that were shared today.
       Today we sang your favorite song, "Because I Have Been Given Much."  I know that you lived your life by the words of this song.          
                                      "Because I have been given much, I too must give.
                                       I shall give love to those in need. I'll show that love by word and deed."
but today, I saw countless others living this song. I am humbled by the many people that served our family to create such a beautiful service and memory for us. I am filled with gratitude for the countless acts of service that have been done on our behalf this last week and are people that are continually doing so.
        The boys and I love you! I know you left Jacob to be my protector. He pushes away anyone he thinks is making me cry. Every time Alex gives me one of his long bear hugs, I know you sent him. Thomas has had to quickly fill your shoes. He is still too little for such big shoes, but I am grateful for the deep footprints you have left behind in his heart. When the nice gentleman with the beautiful voice sang, "Come Thou Fount" I was sadly remembering the day you proposed. Thomas wrapped him arms around me told me not to worry, that we would see you again.
         So, on a day that was supposed to be dark and dreary, but was actually beautiful and bright. we took care of each other. We are grateful for the sweet memories that were shared and the sweet spirit we felt.
       

         for time and all eternity, Adriana

My love,

Damond Thomas Farar

8/22/1981- 12/28/2012

We miss you!!!!!

We love you!!!!

            Funeral Services will be held at The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

 (4225 North 56th Street, Phoenix, AZ 85018) 

on Friday, January 4, 2013 at 11:00am 

with a viewing starting at 9:00am.