Thursday, June 13, 2013


Vivir con miedo es como vivir a medias.

(To live with fear is a life half lived)

This is a quote I have always remembered from that really strange movie 'Strictly Ballroom'.

It's always stuck with me, because I have continually tried to lead my life without letting fear stop me from achieving my goals and when I met you, I felt like this was something we could to do together.

The boys and I are about to start our "Great Trip" to Calgary. I was trying to explain to Marty why I felt fear about this trip. I have never felt fear when planning a trip. We loved traveling. Our "next trip" was usually what kept me going as you studied and studied. But this time around I feel fear. We are going to see some amazing sights. I hope the boys can see the beauty of the earth and be reminded of you and a loving Heavenly Father.

I have felt more fear since you passed than I ever remember feeling. I fear that I won't be able to raise our boys the way we had planned. I fear that I am not adequate enough for the job of being mother and father to them. I fear living without you by my side.
But as I thought about our trip, I realized that I feared the pain of not having you with us on this journey, the pain I/we have been dealing with the last five months.
I can picture you with Alex as you teach him to build the fire for camping.
I can picture you jumping into the waves with your "twist and fall backwards into the wave" move
I can picture you just being amazed at the grandness of the Redwood National Park, Crater Lake, and Banff National Park.
I can picture you wanting to figure out some way for us to get into the NIKE Campus. :)
I can picture your excitement as you say, "let's see who can spot Grandpa's barn first"
I can picture you wrestling with Pete and the boys in the river you loved.

But unfortunately, these are just in my head. My heart will break every time we encounter these "should have been pictures"  It will take many miles for me to get used to being the pilot in our lives.
So, I NEED to go on this trip. Each day I have the choice to just turn and face the wall and never get up or I can remember that quote. I want the boys to be able to look back and see that although we are faced with difficult trials we still need to live life to the fullest without FEAR!

I miss being your co-pilot. So, I have made you mine.