Sunday, December 28, 2014

What I Want to Remember...

Truthfully, this is not really a day that I want to remember. Unfortunately, some parts of this day are permanently sketched on my brain, while other parts are fuzzy. Some parts of the day I can remember the feelings so vividly they still have the power to knock me down. It's those feelings that make me want to crawl under a rock and wait for the calendar to move. And as much as I would like to do just that, I know its not what the boys would want to do nor is it what Damond would want us to do.
I remember waking up the 29th and not believing that Damond had been gone from the earth for 24hrs. It felt like an eternity. Now, it's been 2 years and I still can't believe I've made it this long without him. As the two year mark approached, I had no idea what I wanted to do with that day. It didn't feel right having another ceremony...the rock idea was out... I considered the ocean, but yesterday it finally came to me...
Due to an order miscommunication my family and I ended up with five rather large containers of soup. As I looked at the large amount of soup we had, I knew that it needed to go to some homeless people. As we drove around looking for kind, soup beneficiaries I couldn't help but remember Damond and his ability to serve his fellow man. He never let an opportunity pass to help someone in need. The humble guy in Damond would not have wanted me/people talking about his accomplishments and greatness, he would want me to remember, "because I have been given much, I, too must give."
On December 28th, 2012 the boys and I felt like we had lost everything! But what I want to remember from that day is that we did not. I do remember the love from not only a loving Heavenly Father and Savior, Jesus Christ, but of family and friends. I remember hugs, prayers, messages all sent to us from scattered distances. I remember quiet acts of service that did not go unnoticed, but made life just a little easier for a grieving family.
As we finished passing out the soup, I remembered a Thai commercial about a man who gives some soup to a needy child. This commercial had so many similarities to Damond that I decided I wanted to spend the 28th passing out more soup. I hope that anyone else that has a fond memory of Damond will feel prompted to give some warm soup to someone in need.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Life Is A Game of Inches

Happy Birthday, Damond!

For me, our birthday=survivor's guilt.
It's hard. I still think you would have been the more ideal choice to raise the boys.

We went to the cemetery. We brought you flowers and letters. I had each of us write you a gift. A goal or service we wanted to include you in for this year. Did you hear the boys as they whispered, "we love you, dad. We miss you."

We went and watched When the Game Stands Tall. When I saw that a football movie was coming out on your birthday, I knew we had to go. It was good, not Remember the Titans good, but I still liked it.

"Don't let a game define who you are. Let the way you live your lives do that." -- When the Game Stands Tall

That quote reminded me of a talk you gave several years ago (this is only a small portion, if you would like the full version I will gladly send it to you)... 

"You have certainly heard the oft quoted line that “Life is a game of inches,” and I submit to you that it is.  It is not the big play in life or that one giant hurdle that we must overcome that is going to determine who we are and measure our ability to endure, but it is making the small daily decisions to stay true to the gospel, it is choosing the right when everyone else seems to be heading in the other direction, its kneeling in prayer for guidance morning and night, and studying the scriptures for wisdom that is going to gives us the strength to press forward and keep our covenants.  Then, if a big play needs to be made, or the insurmountable obstacle needs to be overcome, it will seem but minor to us as we have practiced and prepared for such a moment. 

I bear testimony that enduring to the end is not a passive process, but rather an active commitment that we make each and every day.  I know that some days it may come easier than others, but on those tough days I pray that we will always remember one inch at a time and However Long and Hard the road.  Lastly, and most importantly, even though we may exit the straight and narrow path there is always an on ramp back on and that is through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  I know that he lives and that he is our Savior and I know that we have a Father in Heaven who is supporting us the entire way and I leave these things with you in the name of Jesus Christ amen."  -- Damond Farar

On your birthday, I am grateful that you lived your life one extraordinary inch at a time! We love you!!

Grateful to all our friends and family that thought of us this day! 

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Love Like Crazy

Damond always made me the best homemade cards! 
This year I decided to do it for him and me :) 
I am nowhere near as good as he was! But it was therapeutic:/
I sure miss that guy!
Go give the person you love a hug, because I can't :(

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Giant of a Man

Father's Day... hmm it's a toughie:/

Last year, I specifically planned to be on the road. I didn't want to be around people and I was unsure of how the boys would do with a day filled full of talking about dads. But I didn't want to completely forget about the day. After all, they do have a remarkable father. And I never want them to forget that!! I knew that we would be touring the Redwood Forest. I decided that we would celebrate Damond in those magnificent trees. I told them it was Father's Day and that it was ok to be sad and miss their dad. But that I wanted them to remember that their dad was like the Amazing Trees we were surrounded by. He was a GIANT of a man, who stood tall, not because of his height, but the way in which he lived his life. (and he was also really fun to climb all over in play) ;)

Redwood National Park June 2013
This time I didn't allow myself to let us go hide in a forest of trees (haha), but I did want to emphasize another great quality of their dad. I decided to take the boys to the medical school. When Damond and I first toured IU, I remember we walked past a wall of pictures. In each frame were individualized pictures of a certain years' graduating class. I remember commenting to Damond that within four short years, his picture would be there. I told the boys that I wanted them to remember that Damond's picture is hanging in that school, because he believed in hard work! He worked hard in all that he did. 

(Indiana University School of Medicine June 2014)

Father's Day is a tough day, especially when Jacob puts his arms around your neck and says, "I want my dad" and wants to stay in the medical school trying to find his dad.  But we made it through the day and are so grateful for their AMAZING Father and his long-lasting example.
I continue to be grateful for the amazing father figures that have stepped in and been there for my boys. Be it grandfathers, uncles, Home Teachers, family friends, Coaches, what you think may be small acts, will have deep effects on their happiness, growth and development.

                                                       South Padre Island June 2014

Sunday, April 20, 2014

#Because of Him

It’s been 15 months. 15 Long, Hard Months. I often look back at the time and think, “how is that possible? What have I done and accomplished with that time?” Upon reflection, I see that I (and the boys) have had to do many hard things. 
hard things:
hearing the words, “he didn’t make it” those words ring in my ears
having to tell the boys their dad died
Feeling so helpless as I held them while they cried
His funeral 
Touching his hands one last time
Having to walk away from his body so he could be buried
Moving out of our home filled with memories
watching two little boys walk to school, thinking, “they are too little to be without their dad”
holidays, birthdays, family events
receiving his diploma that he worked so hard for
holding them, as they cry “that they miss their daddy”
not sleeping, because the bed is so empty
seeing someone in scrubs
being so physically and emotionally exhausted, when they ask you to sing them goodnight, you just want to say, “go to bed”
moving into our new home without him
watching the boys play football/sports without him
making family decisions without his input

The list could go on, but this is what I want the boys to know. 
I have done hard things, but not of my own strength! 
As I have faced each of these hard things, I have thought, “I can’t do this. This is too hard. This is too much!”
See the real me, the weak me, is the one that sobs in the shower or stoplight. The one that crawls into bed, because I can’t continue. The real me, answers, “go to bed.” instead of singing. The real me has a hard time finding the old me who was happy, kind, patient, fun, loving.

But inevitably, just like in the hospital when strong arms surrounded me and held me up when I couldn’t stand, a still, small voice whispers in my heart, 
“Jesus said unto him, “if thou canst believe, all thing are possible to him that believeth.”
 Mark 9:23

If there is anything I learned while sobbing at stoplights, it's this...
I am not the only one that cries at stop lights. 
Every one has their own trials. 
Jesus Christ is there for each one of us. 
He loves each one of us. 
He weeps with us over our sorrows,
and smiles with our joys. 

Lucky for me, the real me doesn’t have to do this alone. 
I have never been alone. 
Even during the darkest moments, my Savior Jesus Christ has been there for me. 
It Because of Him that I can face each day. It is “Because of Him” that I know I will see Damond again. 
It is “Because of Him” that I know Families Are Forever. 

Happy Easter Sunday! 

Enjoy this video as it testifies of the Savior I love!

I am sometimes asked, “if it’s getting easier.” Another widow friend of mine answered it best, “its not that it gets easier or hurts less. It's that my grieving muscles have become stronger.” 

Friday, January 24, 2014

It Will Be You

Today, as I snuggled with Jacob (he's not feeling great), you spoke to me through a movie... a song.

Ocean City, Maryland May 2011

"If you hear a voice in the middle of the night
Sayin' it'll be alright

It will be me
If you feel a hand guiding you along
When the path seems wrong
It will be me
There is no mountain that I can't climb
For you, I'd swim through the rivers of time
As you go your way and I go mine
A light will shine
And it will be me
If there is a key that goes to your heart
A special part
It will be me
If you need a friend
Call out to the wind
To hold you again
It will be me
Oh, how the world seems so unfair
Creating a love that can not be shared
As you go your way and I go mine

A light will shine
And it will be me
Past the ever after, there's a place for two
In your tears of laughter
I'll be there for you
In the sun and the moon
In the land and the sea
Look all around you
It will be me
There is no mountain that I can't climb
For you I'd swim through the rivers of time
As you go your way and I go mine
A light will shine
And it will be me
It will be me
It will be me"
                                                   Brother Bear 2 
                                               "It Will Be Me"-Melissa Etheridge

"We're always going to be bestfriends, huh?"

Saturday, December 28, 2013

100 MPH

We drove down to Yuma today. I was remembering our drive to Yuma last year. It was Christmas day. We had opened Santa gifts that morning. Your dad called all his siblings and parents. I remember thinking it a little funny that he did that, because we were would see almost all of them in a couple of hours. He sure loved his family!!! We convinced you guys to leave your new toys from Santa, with a promise that you guys could play with them when we came back. Little did we know that you would not open them for another year!
We quickly played a couple more rounds of Nertz. I was the Champion that day, I even beat Diego! ;) It was one of the only games that I could beat your dad at! But he was always a good sport, but you could almost see his competitive soul trying to figure out a way to get faster! Thomas, you had just learned how to play the game. Your dad encouraged you to try hard, but when you asked if we would just let you win one time, he said, "no!" We all had a good chuckle, knowing it was in part to his competitive self, but more importantly he knew you would become a great player as long as you worked hard at it!
I stayed up really late the night before fulfilling my Santa duties. :) I eventually fell asleep in the car. I woke up to see your dad reading his Cardiology book! That made me sit up real fast. "Damond Farar! What are you doing?!" "He turned to me and said, "no one is on the road! I have been going 100 mph for the last 45 min."
"You are going 100 mph AND reading a book?! Damond, you put that book down and slow down." (it was not normal for Damond to go that fast)
I know he wanted to keep studying, but he did what I asked. I soon fell asleep again. The next time I woke up, he was still going 100 mph, but no longer reading and driving. He began to describe the beauty of the desert. I thought it interesting due to the fact that we always argued about its beauty. While living in Indiana, he would always comment on how much he loved all the green! I would respond that yes, the grass was nice, but I dearly loved the desert. He thought the desert too brown. (His main reason for loving grass was playing football on it)
He told me about how beautiful the mountains looked with their jagged outlines against the blue sky. He noticed the different colors of each plant.
As I reflected on this, I realized that sometimes life is going 100 mph around us, but hopefully we can take the time to see its beauty. Even though our schedules may be packed, we can enjoy the people that surround our lives. Take time today to hug the people you love and tell them how much you love them. We never know when we may go from 100 mph to 0.