Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Dreams Left Behind

Dearest Damond,
       How is that one month has already passed? How is it that the minutes are passing by so slowly, but the days keep coming. I still wake up every morning hoping that this has been the longest nightmare of my life. But as I look at my watch, I realize the hour is closer to yet another day without you. WHY do we have to have days without you?
         For a month I have been walking around in a haze of memories. Each place I turn, I can see the memory of you and what we were doing at that place. A word, song, friend will also produce these memories. Some of these memories come so bright and real, I feel like they were yesterday. Yet, I feel like other memories are slipping away and that scares me. There are some memories that have so much emotion attached to them they physically hurt. WHY does it have to hurt so much?
          Your dad said he was not sad for you as he knows you are in a better place, but that there is a hole in his heart. I started to think about that and I didn't agree. MY heart feels like it has been shattered into a million pieces. I am trying to mend my heart, but I realized I only have half the pieces. I need my best friend right now and I don't have him. WHY do I have to go on without you? HOW do I go on without you?
            I was thinking about our journey through medical school and how we didn't live off very much. What we did live off of were dreams. The dreams of tomorrow. We dreamt of getting into med school and we did. Once in med school, we dreamt of passing first semester. There were so many times when our dream was just to get through exam week. We dreamt of passing boards and you did! Twice! Upon making it to fourth year, we began to dream of what lay ahead. With our journey half way done, we began to dream of where we wanted our family to be 5, 10, 15 years from now. WHY do I have to let our dreams go?
            I feel like my hands and dreams are so empty now. But then I realized, you left me with our three most important dreams. THOMAS, ALEX, and JACOB! Do you remember when you were trying to pick a specialty and you asked a surgeon about family life in surgery? He answered, " oh, yeah. You can have a family, but they are just a picture on your wall." That made you so sad, but it helped you determine that you were going to be a great father, first and a great doctor, second. And you definitely were! so, WHY are you a picture on OUR wall?
            Do you remember how you were teasing me about wanting to be some where other than Yuma and I told you, "I am happy wherever you are." It's true! I would live in a tent on the street for the rest of my life if I could have you back. I am finding it so hard to be happy, because I know we are not in the same place. WHY? WHY? WHY?
            As you see, I am plagued by the WHY's. WHY can't I give you one more hug? WHY couldn't I say good-bye? WHY can't I call you to hear your voice? WHY can't I look into your beautiful  eyes as you give me a smile that makes my stomach tingle? WHY do the boys have to grow up without your physical presence?
          But as you see, the WHY's and what if's don't get me anywhere. Instead, I pray to find joy, peace and comfort at  this time.
Know that I LOVE YOU! I miss you with every cell of my body! I look forward, quite impatiently, to the day we are reunited! As you fulfill your mission on the other side, I will work diligently to take care of the three beautiful dreams you left behind. 
I Will Always LOVE you,


Elaine said...

Oh Adriana. This is why my heart breaks for you. With all we know to be true, these are still the questions that hurt and seem so unfair. This post is heart-wrenching. These are the reasons for my tears for you and your boys. You are amazing. I love you.

Peg Lewis said...

I'm Katie's mom and I am so sad for you. Just know that tears are being shed in distant places, and that we have hope that they help you just a tiny bit - maybe they're some you don't have to shed.

Here are some hugs from afar....

bryant said...

I don't think that knowing the truth about the hereafter, on one hand, and deeply and desperately mourning Damond’s passing on the other are incompatible. It seems you've found they can be beautifully harmonious! I admire you for it. Indeed your "sadness" can be an expression of testimony! Thanks for your example of love and faith Adriana. We're rooting for you and the boys!

taryn said...

A day doesn't go by that we don't think of you and your boys and pray for you. We love you.

EmilyCC said...

This is powerful, Adriana. I can't imagine these emotions or pain, but I want to help you and your boys however I can.