VIVIR

Vivir con miedo es como vivir a medias.

(To live with fear is a life half lived)

This is a quote I have always remembered from that really strange movie 'Strictly Ballroom'.

It's always stuck with me, because I have continually tried to lead my life without letting fear stop me from achieving my goals and when I met you, I felt like this was something we could to do together.

The boys and I are about to start our "Great Trip" to Calgary. I was trying to explain to Marty why I felt fear about this trip. I have never felt fear when planning a trip. We loved traveling. Our "next trip" was usually what kept me going as you studied and studied. But this time around I feel fear. We are going to see some amazing sights. I hope the boys can see the beauty of the earth and be reminded of you and a loving Heavenly Father.

I have felt more fear since you passed than I ever remember feeling. I fear that I won't be able to raise our boys the way we had planned. I fear that I am not adequate enough for the job of being mother and father to them. I fear living without you by my side.
But as I thought about our trip, I realized that I feared the pain of not having you with us on this journey, the pain I/we have been dealing with the last five months.
I can picture you with Alex as you teach him to build the fire for camping.
I can picture you jumping into the waves with your "twist and fall backwards into the wave" move
I can picture you just being amazed at the grandness of the Redwood National Park, Crater Lake, and Banff National Park.
I can picture you wanting to figure out some way for us to get into the NIKE Campus. :)
I can picture your excitement as you say, "let's see who can spot Grandpa's barn first"
I can picture you wrestling with Pete and the boys in the river you loved.

But unfortunately, these are just in my head. My heart will break every time we encounter these "should have been pictures"  It will take many miles for me to get used to being the pilot in our lives.
So, I NEED to go on this trip. Each day I have the choice to just turn and face the wall and never get up or I can remember that quote. I want the boys to be able to look back and see that although we are faced with difficult trials we still need to live life to the fullest without FEAR!

I miss being your co-pilot. So, I have made you mine.

Flying Free

I woke up six months ago, on November 30th, with a smile on my face. Damond teased me there were only a couple of hours left until we would be in my beloved Phoenix. HOME, I was so excited to return home. Our plan: Travel to Phoenix and stay there for over a month. Damond would fly in and out for several interviews, while the boys and I would enjoy the sun, warmth, friends and family.
The icing on the cake? It was Damond's vacation month. He was basically done with all the requirements of 4th year. Once he finished interviewing, we would be coasting to graduation.
I got out of bed ready to finish all the last minute packing details and finish cleaning. Damond always gave me a hard time for wanting the house to be spotless before leaving on a trip. I would tell him, "you never know, someone might need to come in the house or borrow something while we are gone." (or in my case, pack your whole house) We decided the boys would go half day to school and we would pick them up on our way to the airport. We decided to go check in the bags while they were at school. Packing for a month long trip for five people is not easy. A weakness of mine? I am not a good packer! We usually fly Southwest because, "2 bags fly free" :) I usually maximize on that to the heaviest extent possible. Damond gave the curbside check in guy a really good tip. This is something he always did. He knew how important earning tips were. We lived off tips for several years and  he was grateful for that money. I don't really remember too many other details from that morning.
I woke up six months ago, on November 30, not knowing I would never return HOME. I wish I would have cherished that "feeling of HOME" a little longer. You see, for the last five months all I have wanted to do is return HOME, but I have no idea where that is. Indianapolis and Phoenix both no longer feel like HOME. I am on a never ending vacation gone bad. Until I realized that  

HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS

I struggle, because half of my heart is in heaven, and the other half is held by my three, beautiful boys. I am not really sure how to create a HOME without him. In fact, that HOME is a tender memory in my heart. The boys and I will have to be strong to define a new meaning of HOME. 

So, the boys and I will continue to "vacation" until we find the peace that enables us to find HOME. 

                                                   

Carry You

FIVE MONTHS

______________________________________

"See You Again" - Carrie Underwood
[Chorus]
I’ll See you again, oh
This is not where it ends
I will carry you with me, oh
Till I see you again

I can hear those echoes in the wind at night
Calling me back in time
Back to you
In a place far away
Where the water meets the sky
The thought of it makes me smile
You are my tomorrow

I’ll See you again, oh
This is not where it ends
I will carry you with me, oh
Till I see you again

Sometimes I feel my heart is breaking
But I stay strong and I hold on cause I know
I’ll see you again, oh
This is not where it ends
I will carry you with me, yeah yeah


I’ll See you again, oh
This is not where it ends
I will carry you with me, oh
Till I see you again
Till I see you again,
Till I see you again,
Said goodbye turned around
And you were gone, gone, gone.

_________________________________

(hiking Camelback Jan. 1, 2004)

I heard this song the night of Thomas' Baptism (between the emotions of that day/event and the lyrics, I became a mess!)

Each night I go to bed thinking, "I don't think I can handle this anymore. I don't think I can go another day without talking to him/seeing him/holding him." But inevitably, the sun still comes up every morning. And with that sunrise, the thought that although
"my heart is breaking,
I stay strong and I hold on cause I know
I'll see you again, oh
This is not where it ends!
I will carry you with me!"

 (Hiking Camelback Dec. 24, 2012)

 

The Simple Answer

It's been 4 months.
For the last four months, people have continually asked me, "how are you doing?" and then proceed  to apologize for that question. I would always answer, "I'm ok."
I really don't mind people asking me that question, as I know that people love and care.
Unfortunately, the answer is a little too complicated. So, I answer, "ok." I explain that "ok" an average between the "awful, my life has turned into a nightmare" moments and the "wow! I cannot believe how how blessed we are moments."
Almost a month ago, I ran Color Me Rad with Yuma. Several members of Damonds' Family put together a team. Returning to Yuma is obviously hard for me. But remember, I decided to fight! So, when asked if I wanted to sign-up, I decided that although difficult, it would ultimately make me stronger. I knew I would still be training for the half marathon and that a 10K would fit my training schedule better.
I had no idea that it would not be the mileage that would almost bring me down, but the mental and emotional marathon I have been running for the last couple of months.
Again, I have been asked how my race went. The simple answer is "ok".
Here is the complicated answer:
It was fun getting ready to run the race with Damond's family. But like always there is always that gaping hole where Damond should be. I try to push it aside, but it follows me like a constant shadow. As I entered the race area I was slammed by a flood of memories, joyful family memories. The race begins near a river beach where we would bring the boys. We would play with cousins and Damond and his brothers would come up with different kinds of rock skipping competitions. Memories like those are moments that actually have meaning.

Everyone was having a good time and I was trying to stay in positive spirits and stay in the zone, but I kept getting pulled back to memories like that and why we could no longer make those memories with Damond. Most of my runs are similar in it's a constant battle between my brain and my heart.
I began the race bouncing from one joyful memory to another, longing to see/feel/hold/touch Damond. And this is where it gets complicated...
As my heart tries so hard to grasp the impossibility that the Damond of flesh and blood is no longer here with us, my brain counterattacks with its own factual memories.
Me, kneeling on the cold kitchen floor holding onto an enormous hand that will not grasp mine back
pleading, crying "Thomas, Alex, Jacob. Please stay for them. Thomas, Alex, Jacob. Please don't leave us. Thomas, Alex, Jacob. They need you! I need you"
A cold, sterile hospital room praying fervently for a miracle, but hearing, "I'm sorry, but he didn't make it.
Walking the longest hallway of my life, on legs that had absolutely no strength of their own. 
Feeling my arms were inadequate for the three beautiful boys that were crying with a sorrow that still haunts me to this day
Each step becomes staggering as these images flash through my mind, but my heart, ever the fighter, rallies back.
We are an Eternal Family! Damond loves us! Our dear Savior, Jesus Christ made it possible for us to see Damond again!
But unfortunately, the halfway mark of the race was the Castle Park.

(last picture I have of Damond, in green shirt at Castle Park)

The same park we visited with the boys and cousins the day before Damond died. The memories begin floating and the battle with my brain begins anew.
I runaway from the battle zone, in search of peace, but instead I find the finish line. I cannot approach a finish line without thinking of Damond. He and the boys cheered for me as I finished my first half marathon. This time, as I crossed the Finish Line, our song (from out wedding) began to play, "Forever and For Always" by Shania Twain. As others partied across the finish line, it was my undoing. But I realized that although, no longer "in his arms, I am keeping him forever and for always."

I was disappointed in my time, but I reminded myself that when you are in mental and emotional warfare, it can't really be about time. It's a little too complicated for that.

Proof of Heaven



 

(Damond and his Grandpa July 2012)

 



The last book Damond had been reading was his Cardiology book.
Ironic? Yes!
Coincidence? No. I do believe there was a reason, other than to prepare for his next rotation.
Fitting? Yes! It shows who Damond was and how hard he studied and worked to become a doctor.

He finished taking his board exams (Step 2) the second week of November. He took a couple weeks off from studying to focus on his residency interviews. But he kept insisting that he needed to get the study guide for the next board exams (Step 3) he would take NEXT year. And I kept insisting that he did NOT need to start studying (during our vacation month) for a test he would take NEXT year.

He appeased me for a few days, before he finally insisted he needed some kind of book during down time, you know, like stop lights.  Each time I picked him up from the airport from an interview, he had a new book.

Well, the last book he finished reading was called, "Proof of Heaven" by Eben Alexander M.D.

(It's about a neurosurgeon, who is more science minded than religious, but then has a near death experience, while in a coma.)

Ironic: Yes!
Coincidence? No! I know there was a reason. I had to read it to find the answer.
Fitting? Yes. Obviously!

I found this book to be very interesting, but I kept wondering why this would have been the last book Damond would finish. I found my answer at the end of this book.

The author shares a poem he found on the back of a photograph.

"When Tomorrow Starts Without Me" David M. Romano

When tomorrow starts without me, and I’m not there to see,
If the sun should rise and find your eyes all filled with tears for me;
I wish so much you wouldn’t cry the way you did today,
while thinking of the many things we didn’t get to say.
I know how much you care for me, and how much I care for you,
and each time that you think of me I know you’ll miss me too;
But when tomorrow starts without me, please try to understand,
that an angel came and called my name and took me by the hand,
and said my place was ready in heaven far above,
and that I’d have to leave behind all those I dearly love.

But as I turned to walk away, a tear fell from my eye,
for all life, I’d always thought I didn’t want to die.
I had so much to live for and so much yet to do.
it seemed almost impossible that I was leaving you.
I thought of all the love we shared and all the fun we had.
If I could relive yesterday, I thought, just for a while,
I’d say goodbye and hug you and maybe see you smile.
But then I fully realised that this could never be,
for emptiness and memories would take the place of me.
And when I thought of worldly things that I’d miss come tomorrow.
I thought of you, and when I did, my heart was filled with sorrow.
But when I walked through Heaven’s gates, I felt so much at home.
When God looked down and smiled at me, from His great golden throne,
He said, "This is eternity and all I’ve promised you,
Today your life on earth is past but here it’s starts anew.
I promise no tomorrow, but today will always last.
and since each day’s the same, there’s no longing for the past.
But you have been so faithful, so trusting, so true.
Though there were times you did some things you knew you shouldn’t do.
And you have been forgiven and now at last you’re free.
So won’t you come and take my hand and share my life with me?"

So when tomorrow starts without me, don’t think we’re far apart,
for every time you think of me, please know I’m in your heart.


I started reading this book after finding it in his backpack a week or so after his death.
It took me awhile to finish it, because I didn't want to finish the last book he had finished.
When I picked it up to finish reading it this poem was on the very next page.

Ironic? Who needs irony during such a tender moment?

Coincidence? No! Another Tender Mercy.

Fitting? Yes!

I will forever remember the first time I read this poem and how I could almost hear Damond's voice, reciting it to me.

Match Day! It's Hard to Believe...

It's hard to believe that Match Day has come and gone.

Match Day was two weeks ago, March 15th.

It's hard to believe that I spent it in Tucson.

I should have been in Indiana

with Damond

on a stage somewhere,

announcing that we received our first pick

The Mayo Clinic, Anesthesiology.

Instead, we met up with good friends from Indiana

in Wildcat Territory

It's hard to believe that this was us, almost four years ago.

We had no clue what we were getting ourselves into.

We are so grateful we added one more handsome boy to this family.

We were asked several times what advice we would give someone thinking of going into Medical school. Damond and I would look at each other, smile and say, "don't do it!" 

We are not the only med students to joke like this. In fact, it's only half joke. It's also part truth.

Damond would often say, "I knew med school was going to be hard, but I really had no idea it would be this hard."

I remember celebrating after the White Coat Ceremony. I am sure that we talked about Match Day.

It seemed so far away.

I am sure that we thought we would match in Arizona.

 Having just moved away from AZ two weeks prior, we/I was eager to get back.

It's hard to believe that I am back in Arizona, but not because we matched here.

It's hard to believe that the one in the white coat is no longer with us!

It's hard to believe it has been three months, as of Thursday.

It's been 91 days, since I last talked to Damond.

On the three month anniversary of his passing

it was the 10 year anniversary of our first date as a couple.

  

It was the night we became the Duct Tape Duo.

We went to a dance. I came up with our costume idea.

 Friends helped us make our really cool duct tape capes.

At the time, I had no idea Damond was a Duct Tape Master.

See, we were meant to be, right? ;)

 

We had such a fun night. After the dance, we walked Mill Avenue Bridge.

 We talked for a LONG time and he told me all about his family.

I told him I would really like to meet them.

He said, "well, would you like to meet all of them tomorrow?

My brother is having his wedding reception and I would like you to come with me."

Ten years ago today, I met "The Farar Family!"

My life was never the same. :)

They have been such a blessing to my life!

 

But, It's still hard to believe we are no longer a Duo and that Match Day really never was! 

2/28/2013, Year of the Coward?

I began the 28th of February knowing it was the two month Anniversary. We came down to Tucson the night before to prepare for the boys first cardiology appointment. I was stressed to the max trying to find out answers about Damond's passing. Nightmares were increasing. So, although I was sad to wake up, I was excited to finally go over all the information with the Cardiologist and get my boys checked out. I decided that for the first visit, it would be better to take only Thomas and not all three of the rascals :) We were given the recommendation of this doctor by a friend of ours and he was awesome! Right away he talked to Thomas and helped him feel included and comfortable. Thomas was so scared of having an ECG and Echo done, but he was a champ! Dr. Klewer had several med students with him throughout our visit. When we were taken back to get the tests done, a medical student was helping the technician. He was similar to Damond's size (not nearly as tough, but that is really hard to duplicate ;). Anyways, I started to ask him questions and it turns out he is also a fourth year med student. He wants to do Anesthesiology and he had interviewed at some of the same places as Damond.  His brother just moved to Indianapolis and works at Riley as a Pediatrician! These days, no matter where we are, it's a small world!

Thomas' results came back wonderful! Just what I hoped to hear, "his heart is normal and looks healthy!" ... for now. I know, I know! Positive thinking. But a good relationship with our cardiologist is part of our new normal. They will continue to monitor them and make sure they are healthy.
As we left the office, I felt the weight on at least one of my shoulders lighten considerably! I can even remember thinking, "hmm, Tucson is not that bad. Maybe I can even start to like U of A a little bit?... nah!!!" :) I felt so much better and was looking forward to a better nights rest.
Unfortunately, as I packed up our car to head home, my mom called to let me know my grandma had passed away. Once again, I didn't get to say good-bye. It was not necessarily unexpected, but we had all come to think that maybe she would outlive us all! As I got off the phone with my mom, I knew I was going to have to tell the boys about her passing. The deep dark abyss that began to encircle me as I heard the words, "I am sorry, but he didn't make it" crept close once again. The fear of telling the kids, the awful, painful emotions I felt two months prior came rushing back. I had to get away. I didn't want the kids to see me so upset, again. Luckily, Jenny and Hal were there to watch my kids. I knew they were in good hands and having fun with cousins.
More than anything I wanted to distract my mind. Keep it from reaching out to the dark abyss. But I also, felt the need to visit a Catholic church, as my grandmother had been a devout Catholic woman her whole life.  A friend told me where to go. I sat in this Catholic church for hours. I thought about the many memories with my grandma, but I mostly relived the last two months, over and over again. I thought about our new normal and pondered what our future might bring.
As the time passed, the fear of causing the kids more pain, kept me in the pew. I hadn't eaten in over 30 hrs and not even my growling stomach propelled me forward. I just kept praying for the courage to do what I needed to do. And that's when it hit me. I AM NOT A COWARD! I have never been a coward. Everyone says it's ok to grieve "this way" and "that way." But not me! I am not ok with the fear that affects everyday decisions. Damond and I were go-getters! We fought for his dream of becoming a doctor and he made it!
I am a fighter! Birthdays, holidays, milestones, and LIFE will be hard without him. But I don't want to look back at 2013 and think I did it all wrong. These events will be tough, but I want to know that I faced them head-on. There will still be tears and sadness, but the day will come to an end and I want it to have been spent the way we would have if Damond were still with us.
As I rebuild my heart, I want to make sure that my heart has changed in a positive manner. I don't want to build walls around my heart, in hopes that it won't break again. Each day is a blessing and LOVE is a fundamental part of our existence here on earth. We are here to LOVE ONE ANOTHER!
I am a fighter! I want to make sure the boys and I continue to do the things we loved to do as the D6 Farar family. Some of the sweetest memories of our time in Indiana were our dinner prep dance parties. Dad would come home from school and join us. Memories like this are painful, but they are also joyful. The fighter in me will make sure that JOY wins!

2013 was supposed to be graduation year, 

but now, 

I will make sure it is the Year of the Fighter!

2002- Not sure why I look so white :)

Aguí's Funeral 2013