Monday, March 11, 2013

2/28/2013, Year of the Coward?

I began the 28th of February knowing it was the two month Anniversary. We came down to Tucson the night before to prepare for the boys first cardiology appointment. I was stressed to the max trying to find out answers about Damond's passing. Nightmares were increasing. So, although I was sad to wake up, I was excited to finally go over all the information with the Cardiologist and get my boys checked out. I decided that for the first visit, it would be better to take only Thomas and not all three of the rascals :) We were given the recommendation of this doctor by a friend of ours and he was awesome! Right away he talked to Thomas and helped him feel included and comfortable. Thomas was so scared of having an ECG and Echo done, but he was a champ! Dr. Klewer had several med students with him throughout our visit. When we were taken back to get the tests done, a medical student was helping the technician. He was similar to Damond's size (not nearly as tough, but that is really hard to duplicate ;). Anyways, I started to ask him questions and it turns out he is also a fourth year med student. He wants to do Anesthesiology and he had interviewed at some of the same places as Damond.  His brother just moved to Indianapolis and works at Riley as a Pediatrician! These days, no matter where we are, it's a small world!
Thomas' results came back wonderful! Just what I hoped to hear, "his heart is normal and looks healthy!" ... for now. I know, I know! Positive thinking. But a good relationship with our cardiologist is part of our new normal. They will continue to monitor them and make sure they are healthy.
As we left the office, I felt the weight on at least one of my shoulders lighten considerably! I can even remember thinking, "hmm, Tucson is not that bad. Maybe I can even start to like U of A a little bit?... nah!!!" :) I felt so much better and was looking forward to a better nights rest.
Unfortunately, as I packed up our car to head home, my mom called to let me know my grandma had passed away. Once again, I didn't get to say good-bye. It was not necessarily unexpected, but we had all come to think that maybe she would outlive us all! As I got off the phone with my mom, I knew I was going to have to tell the boys about her passing. The deep dark abyss that began to encircle me as I heard the words, "I am sorry, but he didn't make it" crept close once again. The fear of telling the kids, the awful, painful emotions I felt two months prior came rushing back. I had to get away. I didn't want the kids to see me so upset, again. Luckily, Jenny and Hal were there to watch my kids. I knew they were in good hands and having fun with cousins.
More than anything I wanted to distract my mind. Keep it from reaching out to the dark abyss. But I also, felt the need to visit a Catholic church, as my grandmother had been a devout Catholic woman her whole life.  A friend told me where to go. I sat in this Catholic church for hours. I thought about the many memories with my grandma, but I mostly relived the last two months, over and over again. I thought about our new normal and pondered what our future might bring.
As the time passed, the fear of causing the kids more pain, kept me in the pew. I hadn't eaten in over 30 hrs and not even my growling stomach propelled me forward. I just kept praying for the courage to do what I needed to do. And that's when it hit me. I AM NOT A COWARD! I have never been a coward. Everyone says it's ok to grieve "this way" and "that way." But not me! I am not ok with the fear that affects everyday decisions. Damond and I were go-getters! We fought for his dream of becoming a doctor and he made it!
I am a fighter! Birthdays, holidays, milestones, and LIFE will be hard without him. But I don't want to look back at 2013 and think I did it all wrong. These events will be tough, but I want to know that I faced them head-on. There will still be tears and sadness, but the day will come to an end and I want it to have been spent the way we would have if Damond were still with us.
As I rebuild my heart, I want to make sure that my heart has changed in a positive manner. I don't want to build walls around my heart, in hopes that it won't break again. Each day is a blessing and LOVE is a fundamental part of our existence here on earth. We are here to LOVE ONE ANOTHER!
I am a fighter! I want to make sure the boys and I continue to do the things we loved to do as the D6 Farar family. Some of the sweetest memories of our time in Indiana were our dinner prep dance parties. Dad would come home from school and join us. Memories like this are painful, but they are also joyful. The fighter in me will make sure that JOY wins!
2013 was supposed to be graduation year, 
but now, 
I will make sure it is the Year of the Fighter!

2002- Not sure why I look so white :)

AguĂ­'s Funeral 2013


Ryan and Ashley said...

Adriana-I'm so proud to see a picture of YOU on your blog! Keep them coming, sister! I love you and am so thankful for your example if motherhood, womanhood and sisterhood. You are an amazing woman, and I'm so thankful we are friends. said...

Not in a million years would anyone ever, EVER connect the word coward to you. It is simply not possible. I love you lady. I love every centimeter of you.

Danielle Hirschi said...

What beautiful words! You are strong! And YES the Farar Family are go-getters that is FOR SURE! I thought a lot about you this last weekend with the sale and you motivated me to be better as the Farar Family is! We love you!

EmilyCC said...

This reminds me of you.

Kristin said...

I always finish reading your posts with tears in my eyes and feeling so much love for you and determination to be more like you and Damond. You are a fighter. I was also going to post that same link about women of courage that EmilyCC just posted, I watched it earlier and thought of you the whole time. You are courage and faith personified. Love you love you.

(I thought of you during this Mormon message too, which I'm sure you've seen: )

J. said...

Agui was an amazing women whom I thought might out live is all too! Although I could not speak much with her, as my shop Spanish is so terrible I always felt comfortable around her. I work also miss her cooking ! :)

J. said...

Nix the shop and *will not work (argh auto correct I should really re-read before posting)